It wasn’t easy being the only one holding on for what little hope you could see. Maybe it was me, maybe it was him..or maybe..maybe it was just fate trying to tell us to stop being together again. I regretted not fighting for him months ago when I should have been. I have been desperate — much more desperate than all of you could ever imagined. I lost the man between every shadow of doubts and regrets. That was why, I gave everything I have yesterday when I was able to see him. I clung unto little light that I could see in the dark impending result that I knew would befall me. I readied myself. I was ready to take the final blow of utter defeat. But I still clung to that hope that I saw..or..to that hope that I wished I saw then.
I tried. At least I tried.. At least I tried. I tried..and I lost. And I admitted defeat this time. But it was one of the best days I ever had in spite of the sorrow that I was feeling..because I was able to say the most important words that he had the right to hear before finally not being able to see him ever again. That is, I love him. Always have. Always will.
Suicide? I’d thought about it more than ten times already. More than enough that it made me think that I was living such a miserable life. I was sad and alone yet I didn’t have the ability to show it. I couldn’t speak of my distress because all I thought was to be strong all the time. But faking what I actually felt, it buried me on my deathbed. I didn’t realize that these emotions that I always kept intact were going to explode one day — like a time bomb. And my time..was almost up.
And this was how I started to die…
I died when I lost my ability to trust people. I died as a human being when I thought that I wanted to kill those that had caused me distress. Imagining how the knife would felt like when I slit their throats or the feeling of the gun in my hand as I shot them — would I feel any satisfaction? I wanted to turn into a killing machine. And i just wanted to be left alone. And I wanted to hurt and humiliate them..but I couldn’t. I could only stare back at them as they criticized me behind my back.
People often questioned why and how those murderers did it. Why they did it had an answer as clear as crystal. The answer..was reality. They faced reality with no armors. They let themselves wide open as darkness, frustration, and hopelessness approached them. How they did it was beyond explanation. If only someone had reached out a helping hand, perhaps the situation would not have gotten worse. But expectations were not as what we imagined. Expecting failed us many times.
I wanted to kill someone, but I just couldn’t do so easily. That’s why I decided to just kill myself. Wouldn’t the world be a better place? I’m a time bomb waiting to be diffused by someone who isn’t afraid to take the risk and die with me. If you are reading this, time’s running fast and I need you to save me from my destructive self.
The wind blew my uncalmed spirit. I kept on searching for something that i couldn’t foresee. I’ve been searching..and recollecting tiny bits of memories that i could gather. I was exhausted. Wait, i couldn’t be exhausted. Perhaps it was a feeling of drained spirit because of failure in seeking.
“I.. I can’t remember. I don’t know where to start,” i whispered to myself.
I continued my search for the unknown until I stumbled upon an unoccupied manor. It seemed so old. Dusts filled the floor — an existence of years of loneliness. I decided to settle down here for a while. I peeked through the window, laying my eyes on the world outside of it. Those children playing across the street, the mother carrying her baby while gossiping with the neighborhood, the dog barking at the cat, the bird chirping, the sunlight. Why didn’t I notice those beautiful things when I was still outside?
I still kept on observing those things. I just couldn’t seem to stop looking at them.
It has been years since i found this place..and i am still a lost soul.
But now is different since i stepped unto this house. I am a lost soul that has found it’s home through the window of the old manor house.
My body has almost gone cold. I shiver with the winter breeze. I stand up and light the fireplace. Admiring the flames that warm this tiny room, i look outside the window..
It is such a quiet evening.
Everything seems normal yet somehow different. Or maybe that was what i want to think. Lights of Christmas fill the dark night but this deafening silence hangs in the air. It doesn’t feel like Christmas at all. Pity.
Then snow falls.
The people who have been locking themselves inside their houses go outside to celebrate. Laughter all around the place, carolers start to head out in every house and sing endless Christmas carols with their hearts out.
In just a second, the silent town change into one I’ve never seen before. I open my window and reach out for the snow. A snowflake lands in my hand. I stare at it innocently and a smile unknowingly paint across my face.